End of the line

I believe the time has come for me to go. The pattern of disconnect between what people saying is very important and how they act is too obvious to ignore.

I have come to this place I didn’t expect to get to but it is here now. People try to shush things by saying, “oh no, don’t” but I have heard this before. I am too tired of all this and I don’t want any more of it. I have been crying a lot and not sleeping. That should be a hint.

I came home from another intense day, teary and depressed even though I was surrounded all through the day by people who are totally engaged and with me and sacrificed their weekend day. But they don’t have the power to turn things around and influence priorities. After Sunday most go back to the provinces or return to low power admin jobs.

The conference was not canceled, a threat uttered last evening that had me up and worried all through the night and was the cause of much of my agony this morning. I had to assure the doomsayers today that things will work out OK (they will) and that we have prepared as best as we could against a thousand odds. Yet some is still unresolved such as “will those we considered champions at the ministry show up to give their blessings?” All that is outside our control and so I let go.

Back home I poured myself a stiff drink and sat down to watch TV which made me cry even more as I saw people that made my problems pale in comparison in Africa’s refugee camps and in Norway and Libya. I am in that shaky psychological state where everything that is sad and difficult makes me cry.

I went to bad at 8 PM and slept 9 badly needed uninterrupted hours.

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